Intense

It was kind of sucky the last few days at work. Not sucky in the way that work is usually sucky. On Friday night at the very beginning of the shift, a patient on our unit coded and ultimately died. I was in the room throughout most of the whole thing, not really knowing what to do with myself, handing things to people when I could, looking up information on the computer, whatever I could do to help while at the same time staying out of the way enough for people to work.

Watching the whole event take place was surreal. It was scary and intense and disgusting and sad and exciting all at the same time. I felt like I should be crying and screaming and cheering as I watched people fight for this person's life. The room was crowded with people and charged with adrenaline. I was shaking. I watched another nurse, who was part of the core team that comes to these types of situations on a regular basis, putting together a large syringe while her hands shook madly. I watched 2 of my friends who are nurses on the unit, take turns doing compressions. People flew in and out of the room. Someone was yelling orders and requesting supplies. It seemed chaotic and organized all at the same time.

It felt like hours, but the entire event lasted only about 30 minutes.

This was the start of the shift, which basically set the mood for the rest of the night. I felt on the verge of tears much of the time. Angry at other times. Many other emotions appeared and swirled together, but it's difficult to pinpoint what they actually were. But things affected me more that night. Things I see every day disturbed me more than usual. I was pissed off that so many fucked up things had to happen to so many people. The patient that died was suppose to be discharged home the next day. I suppose it was better that he was found like this at the hospital rather than at home by a family member.

These words are not very descriptive of the things that happened and how I feel. I don't really think the right words even exist.

But I am okay and life continues and I still love being a nurse.