Being a grown up is hard

I haven't really wanted to use this as an outlet to bitch about work. Partly because I don't want this blog to turn into some jaded bitch-fest. The other part though, is that once I bitch publicly, it's out there...I've said it and I can't take it back. "Oh no, I didn't really mean it, I was having a bad day." And there's really one more part, the part I hate the most. I feel like there is more pressure now, on jobs that I pick because now it's not just a job it's a career and admitting that a job isn't working out or really isn't what I expected feels like admitting defeat. Even though I know it isn't. Even though I haven't given up. I have just come to the realization that I may not actually like home health, even though I really thought I would.

I mean, it's not awful. There are some things that are super wonderful about it. Like the fact that I'm really good at it. There are actually many things that are good about it. Maybe I should list them, but I don't feel like it. It's those kind of things that would take some time to explain and I'm not sure it would make sense unless you were there. But then there are things that are bad about it.

I've been talking to a lot of different nurses since I started doing it....trying to figure out if it was something that I could "fix." But a nurse I talked to today summed it up kind of perfectly. "It's a lifestyle." Meaning, the line between work and not-work is too fuzzy for me and that's not the kind of job I want. There's no end of shift report to give. If I don't get something done, I have to do it the next day. (If it can wait)

The other part, that I may have jumped into too soon....was the extra responsibility. Being a nurse is plenty responsible in itself. But in my current position I am also a case manager, meaning that I oversee the entire care of about 25 or so patients at a time. It really takes a few years just to get "comfortable" as a nurse. And when I say comfortable I basically mean, not wanting to run away crying at every little thing. Nursing is...a life long learning experience. I will never know everything, and at times that is awful scary. So, case managing all these PEOPLE can be somewhat overwhelming.

I feel like I have been more stressed the last few years than I have ever been in my life. I mean, I don't sit around and cry, but I'm probably not coping as best as I can. But I don't want to talk about my coping mechanisms because they are not all healthy. I try to focus on the better ones, but sometimes the non-healthy ones are just easier. I'm not a crack head or anything, but I could probably drink less wine. I could spin more instead of spending money. I would probably socialize more if stress didn't cause such frequent break outs, so instead, I feel I have somewhat reverted back into ultra self consciousness. *sigh*

But, as I said before, I haven't totally given up. I have gone to my manager and supervisor with my concerns and stresses, which I have been told, are valid and not new to their ears. And they are working WITH me, to attempt to guide me or mentor me or whatever you want to call it. My "big boss" actually called it an intervention. :) They don't want to lose me because they continuously tell me that I'm doing a great job, and that actually feels sincere.

So....I am attempting to "find my way" or something corny like that. And I am attempting to give it an equal amount of sincerity. But I am also trying to remember that there are many other options out there for me as an RN. Being a nurse doesn't have to rule my life and it's ok that I don't want it to.